The Secret Of Relationships: A Surprising Tool At Your Aid

Relationships. Boyfriends. Girlfriends. Better-halves. Hook-ups. They all sound really fun, don’t they? And it is okay to find them exciting, at any age, honestly!

These are the terms that actually come up a lot when any young person (mostly teens) talk about a problem or something super exhilarating or ‘mid-life crisis’ as some of them call it. All these notions are often attached to their romantic life.

But we are not going to talk about—romantic ignites for a young mind or, what triggers the tingle in the youth…. What we will address today, is whether or not you should indulge in such ‘activities’ and beyond.

Disclaimer: I am no relationship expert or ‘Guru’. I am just someone who has had their fair share of heartbreaks and ‘heart-throbbing incidents’, and just want to share all that experience has taught me, just in case someone reads this and finds them in a similar situation and perhaps will get a walkthrough of it.

So, why are romantic relationships more complicated than other relationships? Well, to simply put, because they are different. They are different since those are the bonds you ‘choose’ to make with someone else. Just think about it, you didn’t choose your mom, your dad, your siblings. Your family became your family the moment you were born into this world. But! Your friends and partners are the ones you get to choose on your own. You decide whether you want to be associated with a person outside of your family, or not. Similarly, the decision on whether you ‘should be associated with someone other than your family or not, is entirely up to you.

I am not saying that you don’t need to make friends or you should be a lonely nobody in social scenarios. You should have company, good company, outside your blood relations. It helps us grow into a much better individuals, provides us with so much perspective, but this purpose can easily be fulfilled by having friends. Then why do people indulge in ‘romantic relationships’ anyway? For the same reason we do everything else in life: to be happy.

Humans are needy beings. We tend to think more about ourselves and our needs than we realize. We do what we think will bring us joy, peace. Most of us are lucky enough to find someone to care so much about, as to at times let their own happiness be walked over just to see that other person happy and all smiles. But guess what? When that is accomplished, their loved one is happy, whom does this satisfy the most? The one who ‘sacrificed’! Now, I am not criticizing anyone who puts their loved ones’ joy above theirs. That’s what makes us selfless and human. But I will say this, that we do what ultimately brings us joy, even if it lies in someone else’s.

This is, at length, the whole reason behind people getting into relationships. To feel needed. To feel alive. To feel worth. To have someone to care for. To have someone who will reciprocate and take care of us. We are driven by our will, our desires. We want someone to be there for us, whether we might ‘need’ them at that moment or not, we shouldn’t need to question our reliance on that person. We don’t want to feel alone, and having someone just one text or one call away, keeps away the loneliness. Or that’s what we think it does.

Modern-day relationships layout….

You meet someone. Someone amazing. They do not seem from this world. Perfection would be an understatement for them. Their smile, their hair, their voice, their attire, their walk, talk, and what not! They are an ensemble of ‘the-one’. Nothing falls short in their case. I mean, how can a breathing, live human be so unequivocally…complete?

You can’t stop thinking about them. You want that person; you want them to be added to who you are because they are so beautifully thorough. Your life will have the meaning as soon as they enter in it and with this thought, begins the chase. The pursuit, hands down, is the most exciting part of any relationship! Butterflies in your belly, fluttering, every time they walk past or are in your vicinity. Yes! You have a crush on them! Ever wondered why they are called your ‘crush’? Because it will crush your soul if they don’t belong with you ultimately. You so desperately want them to.

Now, fast forward…. You two are together! You are now involved in the most perfect human alive’s life and it’s keeping you on cloud 9. People are so envious of you, of your dream relationship and you couldn’t be happier. You start spending every minute of your time with them, oblivious to everything else in your life because, hey, they are worth it, right? You do everything in your power and beyond to make them the center of your world, and you the center of theirs. This inseparable tie that binds you two, seems to be growing only stronger by the minute. This goes on for weeks and months. You remind yourself every day how lucky you are to have found them and even luckier to be sharing their days. But after all this time, something doesn’t feel right….

You are no longer floating on clouds. You no longer derive happiness from people’s envy. You no longer have the appeal to work for your relationship with every ounce of energy in your body. You no longer feel relevant. And this is unacceptable! This relationship was supposed to make you happy! This person was to be ‘the-one-and-only’! You shouldn’t feel irrelevant rather you should be on-top-of-the-world. But that ain’t happening no more! Why? Why this isn’t working?

So, you fight. Fight back to this loathsome feeling that you don’t matter anymore. You fight to feel worthy again. You fight with all you have. You won’t refrain from hurting anyone and anything that comes in your way. You don’t. You did everything for them still you feel unrewarded? So, you fight with your partner. How dare they hang-out with friends when you are at home waiting for them? How dare they cancel on your date because work called? How do they not want to spend their whole day snuggling up to you, when it’s the only thing on your mind? How dare they have a life that doesn’t include or revolve around you, when it’s all you ever did ever since the beginning of your relationship? You fight. You fight to the extent that you don’t remember how you loved before. You fight till you don’t find anything worth fighting for anymore. It isn’t working out, it never will, it wasn’t meant to be. With these parting thoughts, you walk away from the person you once thought to be the only one who would make you feel loved. It sucks, it does. And you blame it on them. They didn’t make you feel the way they were supposed to. But losing them still, somehow, feels your loss.

Reality check time!

Relationships are not fairy tales. It will not always be all rainbows and flower-showers (literally too in some cases!). It will not always have the happy ending or the happily ever-after. Real relationships are WORK. They require constant attention and improvisation for it to thrive, well and alive. We cannot expect our partner to always get things right. We cannot ask them to be there on our beck-and-call, 24/7, as if we are the only thing that matters now. We cannot forget that they had a life before we walked in, and that they will have that life even if we walk out. They don’t owe you anything, neither do you owe them.

Understanding your partner’s individuality and embracing your own alongside giving your relationship time and space to grow, is crucial for its healthy existence. No two people can be wound up with each other all the time. Hence, it is essential that you both hang-out with your friends more often than earlier and work on yourself. You make yourself feel and be worthy, no one else. You don’t need to be the center of someone else’s world; you need to be in the center of yours.

Now to wrap up and sum up, do we ‘need’ to be in relationships? You don’t. But if you don’t love someone else this way, you are missing out on being this genuinely selfless person whom people look up to and admire. I wish for all of you to have someone you truly care about, in your lives. Do remember to work on yourself first though. Reminder: no person in this world is worth losing yourself for. Peace.

Are you really unhappy in your relationship and cannot seem to understand what to do? Read my article on Toxic Relationships and decide for yourself!